I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
