Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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