my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
