Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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