i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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