tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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