why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
