there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
