got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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