I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
