The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
