This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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