i will never coherently bang her
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
