Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
