my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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