Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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