I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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