dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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