Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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