I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
