I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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