he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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