I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
