god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
