Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
