On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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