Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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