Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
