Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Randomize