you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Randomize
