You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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