I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
