Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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