So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
