i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Randomize
