Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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