I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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