i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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