omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize