Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Come share oat with me in your robe
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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