My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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