fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
