i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
