Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Randomize
