She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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