my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
