Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
