I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
