Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
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