i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
