the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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