loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
