Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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