I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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