what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
