i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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