So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
