Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
