Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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