did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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