Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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