Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
