Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
