It's a beautiful day for a hangover
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
